A Girl Worth Fighting For

7 Oct

I try very hard not to whine about relationships and singleness here, so I hope that’s not the tone of this post. It’s mostly just about relationship observations tonight.

I’m not in any rush to get married. I don’t live by myself. I don’t pay my bills (oh, the perks of living with parents). There is no way that I’m ready to settle down, in any way, shape or form. However, that doesn’t mean I’m immune to wanting love in my life. I’m definitely loved by my family – otherwise they wouldn’t let me freeload off them. But romantic love is something different, and something I’m not used to having.

Sometimes I feel like everyone around me is at that point in their lives, where they’re getting married and settled. They’re all pairing themselves off. There’s hardly a day I get on Facebook when someone else isn’t posting pictures of their engagement ring, wedding, or new baby. It’s weird…I don’t feel old enough for that yet. But at the same time, I’m kind of used to people I know getting married. And like I said, I’m certainly not in a place to have these things in my life yet. Someday, but not now. But a little part of me does feel lonely.

I have what you can only say is a limited dating experience. The only serious relationship I’ve been in in my life lasted for about an hour and a half, and ended nearly five years ago. Sometimes I feel like there wasn’t any closure there – we’ve barely spoken since we broke up, and never once seen each other. We’re not likely to, either, despite having mutual friends. Going to a women’s college, while it had its benefits, was definitely not the wisest choice for finding love (at least not of the straight variety). And now that I have a job working with children every day, and I come home to parents and a grandmother who fall asleep by 9:00 every night, I find very little time to actually be someone my age. It doesn’t help the fact that everyone I work with is either older than me and married, or younger than me and in college and in relationships. I’m stuck in the middle – single, graduated, management. No one else fits that description. I get along with all my coworkers, but we definitely run in different social circles. My social life feels very different than theirs.

Of course, I do realize that to meet someone, you actually have to leave the house at some point. The entire last year of my life has been dedicated to work, leaving little energy for other things. And not as though I’m expecting to meet anyone of quality and some random bar here in East Tennessee. Let’s face it…men here are not exactly drool-worthy. I would like to say I’m going to put myself out there more, but let’s face it, you and I both know that’s never going to happen. I feel like I’m living in that song – Waiting For My Real Life to Begin. I feel like I’m just off on some detour, waiting around for the next big step. For me, that’s grad school and moving out again. Somewhere bigger, newer, brighter. I think maybe in the back of my mind, I don’t want to get attached to anyone here to hold me back. I have plans to leave within a year, so if I get involved with someone here, I might put those plans on hold. Or maybe I’m just holding off, expecting that I’ll find someone in my new life.

I’m not ready to make any major commitments, but it would be nice to have someone there to share my life with. Someone to talk about work with, someone to come home to and spend time with, actually have plans with. Someone to make me feel like I’m not just robot working myself into the grave. Even though I know, really and truly, that I’m not ready to find The One, I can’t help but feel little pangs of jealousy and loneliness when I see the happiness of the people around me. Is that wrong? Does that make me a bad person, because I can’t fully be happy for the people around me who aren’t lonely? I don’t want to be a bad person. I’ve almost never felt more alone in my life.

I don’t want to feel lonely, and I don’t want to wait around for my real life to begin. I don’t think anyone does, really. We’re all looking for that reassurance from the person who means the most to us. I don’t think we’re meant to be alone – we all seek that companionship. We need it. I need it.

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