Outside Looking In

9 Dec

Sometimes I think that the world is fast leaving me behind. Like no matter how hard I try to include myself in it with the people I know the best, I inevitably end up on the fringes. I don’t want to be pushy and force myself back on anyone’s life, but sometimes I feel like maybe I haven’t pushed enough. Like I haven’t done enough to earn forgiveness. Other times I feel like it’s been too much, and the damage is irreversible. I don’t think life after school will ever be the same again. We’re all in different places now, literally and figuratively.

I’m trying very hard not to hold grudges in my life, and it’s been very effective so far. Holding on to anger and hurt does nothing but create a festering wound that rips open easily. I’ve spent too much of my life worrying and being unable to let things go. Several months ago I decided to really change this, and it’s been a good decision. I just wish this was true of everyone.

I’m not perfect; I know I’ve made my share of mistakes in the past. But I feel like I cannot, no matter how hard I try, make amends for them. Times change, people move on, and you can’t go back to the way life used to be. Sad, really, when you think about it. You have a few perfect moments with people, and then you have to leave each other. And things won’t ever be the same again, no matter how hard you promise to keep the ties alive.

I just so desperately want to feel that emotional connection I used to feel.

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