Dreaming with a Broken Heart

31 Jan

I’ve been having several dreams about my ex-boyfriend lately, which has left him on my mind a lot. Usually I don’t ever think about him, but for about the past month or so I’ve been having these dreams that have made me think about him quite a bit. It’s been almost three years since I saw or heard from him. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened had we stayed friends. He said he wanted to, but didn’t make any effort to keep up a relationship. I didn’t make any, either, but I kind of left it up to him to do that, since he was the one who did the breaking up. When I have these random dreams, then I get to thinking about how much fun it was when we dated (for the most part, anyway). I don’t know where these dreams come from. I guess it’s something buried deep in my subconscious that’s just itching to get out. If it means anything, I’m not sure I want to figure it out.

I almost forget now what it’s like to have a boyfriend. I haven’t dated anyone since – haven’t even been out on a random date with anyone. That comes with the territory at chick school. I think sometimes, because I haven’t heard anything from him in so long, and because I haven’t dated anyone since, that makes me more nostalgic than I should be. It’s kind of a funny place to be; most people my age are regularly dating, but I’m in that special category that doesn’t do that. Not by choice, mind you, but rather the victim of circumstance. I don’t want to be one of those girls who whines about never having a boyfriend, and desperately wanting to get married. But for me, it’s weird to think about my future dating life. I’m planning on moving back home for about a year to save money for grad school, and I can’t imagine dating while doing that. I’m certainly not expecting any new romantic developments before May, either, so it’s interesting to think about where I’m going to be to meet someone.

Being at a women’s college has left me without any guy friends. I really, truly don’t know any boys anymore, with the exception of Eowyn’s perfect boyfriend Jared. I have a feeling I’m going to be extremely awkward when I do meet people and start dating again, because I only know how to act around girls. I’m either going to be insanely weird or a guy’s dream. I don’t think there will be much gray area there.

It’s weird how people come in and out of your life. One day you’re perfectly happy with your friendships and relationships, and suddenly it’s three years later and you still have random dreams about him. I’m not still in love with him, but I feel like I didn’t have a lot of closure, either. I have no idea what I would say to him if I ever did see him again, and at the same time I think it’s for the best. I never understood how people kept up friendships with people they once dated; I think it would be too weird for me. I have some really good memories of when we were together, but that’s just what they are: memories. It would never be the same again, so I think, in a way, it’s better not knowing the alternative.

Who knows. Maybe we’ll meet again one day. Maybe not. I am interested to see what’s happened to him in the last three years, but I’m not curious enough to do anything about it.

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