Not Feeling the Love

11 Dec

There’s something that’s gotten in the way of pretty much all my friendships this semester. I don’t know what it is, but everything is really different.

I feel like, most of the time, that everyone has moved ahead of me in some way, and I’ve been left behind, completely alone. There’s nothing to justify me feeling this way, but I feel like everyone is more grown up than me, and superior to me, and looks down on me. Certainly they don’t want to be bothered by being friends anymore. Who would want to maintain a friendship with someone so much lower? I know this is completely ridiculous. But I can sense something going on. It’s almost like all my friends are talking down to me, or berating me. They’re constantly the ones who have to call me out on stuff, and treat me like the child.

I don’t know. This is completely irrational. No excuse for it at all. But something is there. Something is in the way of my relationships, and it sucks. I wouldn’t really consider myself close with anyone anymore, because we’re never around each other that much. Most people would describe me as being withdrawn, even around the people I know best. But I don’t have anything to say, most of the time. If I try to say something funny, it’s taken the wrong way, so I’ve given up on that. Most of the time I just sit back and watch, and don’t really have much to contribute. That doesn’t always mean I’m withdrawn, just quiet.

I feel like I don’t even recognize my friends anymore. They’ve done so much stuff without me, that I don’t even know about, that I can’t relate anymore. There are no inside jokes to laugh about, because I wasn’t there. I have no idea what happened, and it’s not funny the second time around unless you were there to witness it. I know I haven’t made the greatest effort to hang out with people, but it’s kind of hard to hang out when you don’t know where anyone is. I don’t want to be that clingy friend that always has to go seeking everyone out. But it looks as though, if I don’t do that, I will never see anyone anymore.

I’m angry at myself for letting this happen, and angry with my friends for not stopping it. I feel like everything and nothing is my fault at the same time. I’m not completely to blame, but I’m entirely to blame. It’s complicated. I don’t want to say that they’re the problem, but they’re a big part of it. This stuff doesn’t just happen to one person, and one person is not the cause of all of it.

I just can’t figure out where it all went wrong. What changed so much that I can’t even look at my friends the same way anymore? I want so badly for things to be the way they were, but somehow everything is different. I think it started somewhere over the summer, maybe around the time we went to Myrtle Beach. I could feel it then. I feel like the fifth wheel, and definitely not wanted anymore.

Maybe a lot of this has to do with my fear of being forgotten. It sounds selfish, but I am truly afraid of that. I don’t want to be one of those people that isn’t memorable. I want to leave a good impression on people. I must not have been doing a very good job of it. It seems like every time I turn around, I’m being forgotten. Left out, at least. You would think it would be easy to be remembered by your best friends.

I hate that I seem to have one big pity party after another. I feel like I have done everything to make this better, and yet done nothing to make this better. Obviously my efforts haven’t paid off. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I want my old life back.

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