25 Oct

It’s kind of amazing the things that people think are worthwhile. Working at SADAC has really opened my eyes. So much of my life before that was just silly, trivial stuff. A lot of the things I was involved in before (that I’m mostly still doing now) seem pointless. I thought it was all about my personal growth and leadership development. But really, it’s a lot of selfish bullshit. It will look great on my resume, but really, what has it done to help humanity? Did anyone benefit other than myself? Doubtful.

I’ve gotten a new perspective. It’s so much harder to care about winning 1889 week when you know there are people in your town that miss their children because they were taken by DSS. It’s just so ridiculous, the things we care about and think are important. In the long run, they’re not. No one really cares. It’s fun while it’s happening, but it’s not the end-all be-all. I don’t care what happens. Sure, winning is great. But in the long run, it doesn’t matter.

In the long run, we’re all dead. Depressing thought, I know, but economists are right about that. But when you think about that, you can also think about the things that really mean something. If in the long run you’re going to be dead anyway, what are the things that are really, truly important? Winning some silly skit competition? No. Being the best? No. It’s not. I haven’t fully figured out everything that’s important, but I know that 1889 is not on that list.

It was fun while it lasted, but it’s always going to leave a sour taste in my mouth. I can’t enjoy or appreciate the experience knowing that it could have been so much better. The true spirit behind it is gone. I wasn’t at Converse in the 60s or 70s, so I don’t know how it’s been in the past. But I don’t think it’s anything like it used to be. It’s definitely not fun anymore. And it’s not worthwhile. The coin war, canned food drive, and blood drive certainly do their part to help out, but it’s not done in the right spirit. I’ve always been taught to be humble about your giving. It doesn’t do any good to give your money or time and then shout and parade it about. That’s not in the true spirit of giving. I think I’ve lost that perspective recently. College has forced me to become very self-centered; after all, no one else here is looking out for me. I’ve got to be my number one advocate. But it just bothers me that all this giving isn’t done with the right intentions. It’s about winning and not so much about service anymore. I’m sure there are tons of people here who would heatedly disagree with me, but actions speak louder than words. I see what goes on.

I thought for a long time that I would like to go into student affairs. Now I see that there’s no way I can do that. I cannot possibly get to be that selfish anymore. I really do want to help people – and those who truly need it, too. There are plenty of college students out there that really do need some kind of support, for depression or eating disorders or other kinds of problems that they can’t deal with alone. But hopefully they’ll be all right. I’m just not supposed to be there for them. I’m supposed to be there for the ones that absolutely have nowhere else to go. Colleges will always have resources. I just can’t bring myself to plan social programming or something like that for a college. I thought for a while it might be fun, and that I would be good at it. But I can’t. In a way, I think it’s too selfish. I’m not enough into other people’s business to really thrive in that position. I have to do something more, something better. That occupation requires a lot of work, but in the end, it doesn’t matter. It’s not the end of the world if it has to phase out.

Very often, I think people believe they are entitled to things that they really might not deserve. I’ve had a lucky, blessed life so far, but I don’t deserve everything – probably not even half of what I get. Things aren’t always fair, but they do work themselves out in the end. No one is entitled to anything – except, I believe, help.

My posts have gotten more emo lately, I feel like. I’m at this point in my life where I really don’t care about how it was before SADAC. It was so much fun and less stressful, and I do miss that. But I finally feel like everything is coming together. I don’t know where my life will take me, but I know it’s heading in the right direction. I’m getting to where I need to be. It’s been very difficult the past few months. I work a lot, study a lot, and hardly ever see my friends or just hang out. I spend most of my time alone or in class, not around other people. I’ve had a lot of time to myself to just think. Part of me would love to go back to a few years ago, and be more fun. But another part wants to see where this new Laura goes. I can’t go back, so I must go forward; I don’t really have a choice. It’s growth, I guess.

All I know for sure is, I’m tired of doing the silly things. From now on, I have to do what truly matters.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: