Archive | October, 2008

Happy Halloween!

31 Oct

Hope everyone has a great night. Be safe in whatever you’re doing tonight!

Uninspired

30 Oct

Although I don’t feel the need to produce a new post every day, I’m finding that I have run out of interesting things to talk about lately. I’ve spent the last week catching up on a lot of work I hadn’t previously finished. This weekend will be a lot of the same. It just feels like my to-do list is so insane right now; I cross one thing off and two more are added soon after. Maybe I really do thrive on being busier than I can manage.

The mood around school has gotten better, though. I don’t know what did it, but something kind of snapped me back into reality after my semester-long funk that I’ve been in. I’m still pretty mad at myself that I’ve wasted almost half a school year being depressed. But it happens, and there’s nothing I can do about it now. Wishing to have that time back won’t do anything to change it.

I’m looking forward to my birthday dinner/extravaganza tomorrow. Hopefully everything will be fun and go smoothly. Sometimes, with my group of friends, things aren’t always planned well, so we’ll see what happens.

Halloween Costumes

29 Oct

Every year, thousands of college-age girls dress in slutty outfits for Halloween. This is the one day a year they can do this, and no one else is allowed to say anything about it. This year, we’re going all out.

My friends and I have never really dressed up for Halloween since we’ve been in college. Since it’s our last year, we figured we might as well go out with a bang. So, we’ve decided to be slutty this year, for the first time ever. We’re all going as sexy inanimate objects. Why, you ask? Well, if we’re going to slut it up, we still have to keep it funny and ridiculous. So, in no particular order, here is a list of the costumes we’ve come up with this year:

Sexy Gumball Machine (Come get some balls!)
Sexy Coffee Cup (Pour some sugar on me. I’m hot, sticky, sweet!)
Sexy Disco Ball (Do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight!)
Sexy Whoopie Cushion (More cushion for the pushin’)
Sexy Leg Lamp (Fragile. Turn me on!)
Sexy Nutella
Sexy Calendar
Sexy iPod (Touch, of course)
Sexy Microphone
Sexy Easy Button (Self-explanatory, hopefully)

We’re all going out on Halloween to celebrate my birthday, by having dinner, hitting the haunted house here at school, and then going somewhere that the legals can have a drink and the underages can sit and watch us be ridiculously entertaining. I hope there are lots of pictures taken of us, because it’s going to be the best thing ever!

Ten Things Tuesday – October 28

28 Oct

Ten things I would save in a fire:

1. Jewelry box. This sounds shallow, but I’ve made most of my jewelry, and would be really upset if I were ever to lose all of this work (not to mention money spent).

2. Laptop. Without it, I’d be screwed. My entire life is on my computer, and I would pretty much never get anything done without it. All my music and pictures are on there, which make my life so much more colorful.

3. Scarves. Especially ones I’ve made. Again, like the jewelry, I’d be sad to lose all of my hard work!

4. Journal. It’s got the last five years of my life written in it. Pretty much documenting my senior year of high school up til now. I’ll always have the memories of college, but still, nothing will ever replace that journal.

5. My mini Eiffel Tower. Reminds me of my trips to Paris.

6. Art portfolio. My senior show would have nothing without it. Not to mention I’d be devastated to lose the proof that I’ve learned some stuff while in college.

7. My dream journal. You’d be surprised at how many dreams I remember and write down. I think it’s nearly 300 over the last few years. Could make an interesting book one day.

8. Anyone who was living with me at the time. Why would I not save them?

9. Art books. I can’t get enough of them! A great resource as an art history major. Plus, it’s the next best thing to actually seeing them in person. 

10. I would want to save my shoes, but this is probably not likely to happen. I love shoes to a ridiculous degree.

Ignorance is Bliss

26 Oct

Tomorrow is my birthday. It doesn’t really feel like it, though. Turning 22 isn’t really that big of a deal. When you’re young, you only want to be older. But as I get older, I only want to be younger. Not like being 40 and wishing you were still 25. More like wanting to be 6 again and never having to grow up at all. Life is so much simpler as a child. Ignorance really is bliss; knowing things only makes you realize how much you don’t know, and how much there is that’s messed up in the world. There are things about being an adult that I like, but mostly I just want to be a kid again, and play make-believe all day long and know that nothing will hurt me, and that life will always be good and fair.

Nothing is fair anymore. You work hard, you are honest and you try to be your best. And what happens? You get screwed over. Year after year, no matter how hard you work, or how much you want it. The good guy really does finish last. I know the world isn’t fair, and that most of the time people who don’t deserve to get what they want are the ones that do. Probably because they’re willing to play dirty and do underhanded things to get anything they want, leaving those who play nice out in the cold. I think these people would appreciate it a lot more, because they know the value of good, honest work. Their reward will be far more meaningful, if they ever actually get it.

Although you’d never guess it, I really am tired of always being in a bad mood and complaining all the time. I’m going through another one of my depression states. I don’t think I’ve ever really admitted to myself that I struggle with depression, but I’m pretty sure I do. Being in psychology classes all the time makes it really easy to self-diagnose, and see problems that might not actually be there. But I have to admit, knowing myself, and looking at my past history, I have depression. It’s caused awful strains on my relationships, both now and in the past. I’ve felt pretty worthless lately, too. I know the symptoms, and I have most of them. My roommate suggested that I go talk to one of the counselors on campus. And while I’m sure that would help, and I’m not trying to “be strong” and not seek help, I truly cannot bring myself to talk to them solely because they work here. I know that’s a ridiculous reason; I know that it really would be helpful if I did. But I feel that I cannot trust the administration on this campus anymore. I trust my professors; they’ve always been supportive and interested in me. But I do not feel supported by the staff. I’ve been completey drained over the past four years, and I’m done. They’re not taking any more of my soul. I really like the counselors here, and I really think they have the students’ best interest at heart. I have never had any problems with them personally. But I cannot trust that part of myself to them. I cannot let any more of myself leak out onto this campus, because pretty soon there won’t be anything left.

I’m having a hard time finding my place. Senior year is supposed to be fun, but mine’s not. I’ve felt very alone and alienated lately. This is partly (maybe mostly) my fault. It’s for selfish reasons, I know. I just want to be included in things. It’s hard to hang around your friends when you’re not invited. And while a lot of stuff that happens at college is really spontaneous, it’s still hard to be there for it when you don’t know it’s going on. Sometimes I feel like I really make an effort to include myself in conversation, and to be in a good mood. But something doesn’t click, or gets lost intranslation, or just isn’t as funny as I thought it would be, and I get shot down. More often than not, the responses I get are awkward or irritable. So lately, I’ve just refrained from saying anything at all. I don’t want that cycle of constantly getting shot down to keep going, so I just don’t say anything. I just want to be sure that they still like me. Most days I really doubt this, and I know it’s my own doing.

I wish it hadn’t been this way. There’s a huge obstacle in my life that cannot go away, and I cannot work around it. I just never expected that my college career would turn out this way. Most of the time I feel like people come in my room to see my roommate, and that’s difficult to deal with. Our room has always been the hang-out room, but not so much anymore. I’m in the habit of having people over here a lot, so it’s not my first reaction to run upstairs to see everyone else. I thought that living in the same building all together would be really fun. But so far, it’s just meant that everyone hangs out upstairs and doesn’t even realize I’m gone.

I haven’t really been able to confide this to anyone, either. Mari has been gone so often this semester, and I can’t possibly keep up with everyone’s schedules. It’s hard to know when people are in class or just hanging out. I know that everyone is busy most of the time. I have a hard time seeking them out, because I don’t want to be clingy. I don’t want to keep constantly knocking on people’s doors and getting no response or interrupt someone’s study time. But I’ve really been deprived of companionship this semester. It’s getting to a serious state. I have friends other than Mari, but lately it feels like she’s the only one that really understands, the only one left that cares. And she’s not here most of the time.

I wish I had taken time over the past four years to find things to do outside of school. I wish I knew other people in this town that weren’t associated with Converse at all, where I could go and hang out off campus, completely free of charge. As it is, I could go to some random park or Barnes and Noble or somewhere, and just hang out. But those places close eventually, or you get stared at if you take up a café table and don’t buy a coffee. Not to mention they get old after a while, and there’s only so much homework to do there.

Laurann came and talked to me about all this today, but I don’t feel like I told her everything I needed to. She dislikes conflict just as much as I do, I know, so it was really brave of her to come and talk to me. But still, I don’t think got everything out. I hate myself so much for isolating everyone and not being a good friend. I feel out of control, like I don’t have any say over my attitude or behavior anymore. I’m just so tired of everything. But most of all I’m mad at myself for getting like this. I don’t even like myself anymore. It’s been a year in the making; I can pretty much pinpoint the day that it started to change. My birthday last year. And here I am, one year later, no better off than I was. One year older, not wiser. Unhappier. An even worse friend. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I want to change, but that’s very hard. I can’t do it alone, but don’t feel supported enough to make it work.

These are such stupid, selfish things to worry about. I constantly battle with the tendency to invalidate my feelings or my problems, because I know it could be worse. But this is my experience, and I don’t know anything else.

201 days til graduation. Here’s hoping something can change in that time.

Birthday Present to Myself

26 Oct

Last weekend when my parents came down for the LSU game, my mom gave me some money for my birthday. It’s been burning a hole in my pocket ever since. I haven’t bought anything for myself in a while. I haven’t gone out to eat, really. At least not at school. It’s been nothing but work, work, work.

I thought a long time about what I wanted to use my birthday money on. There’s certainly responsible stuff, such as paying to take the GRE or for grad school applications. But I wanted to get something for myself, something that I wanted. That’s what birthdays are for, right? I have an ongoing list of things that I would like to get eventually, such as movies and perfumes and music and pretty peacoats. I thought also about getting some great yarn I found on ebay or going to the yarn shop in Greenville. I also thought about going to 10,000 Villages over there and getting some fair-trade jewelry. I thought about these things too much, and couldn’t make up my mind.

So last night, I finally decided what to get myself. I bought collections 2 and 3 of Dirty Jobs. So basically, I bought Mike Rowe for my birthday. I also entered some contest to go to the set one day and meet him. I’m pretty sure I would be a puddle if that happened. That would be pretty amazing, but I don’t have any high hopes of winning. I don’t usually win things like that. But hey, at least I can enjoy him whenever I want with my DVDs!

Perspective

25 Oct

It’s kind of amazing the things that people think are worthwhile. Working at SADAC has really opened my eyes. So much of my life before that was just silly, trivial stuff. A lot of the things I was involved in before (that I’m mostly still doing now) seem pointless. I thought it was all about my personal growth and leadership development. But really, it’s a lot of selfish bullshit. It will look great on my resume, but really, what has it done to help humanity? Did anyone benefit other than myself? Doubtful.

I’ve gotten a new perspective. It’s so much harder to care about winning 1889 week when you know there are people in your town that miss their children because they were taken by DSS. It’s just so ridiculous, the things we care about and think are important. In the long run, they’re not. No one really cares. It’s fun while it’s happening, but it’s not the end-all be-all. I don’t care what happens. Sure, winning is great. But in the long run, it doesn’t matter.

In the long run, we’re all dead. Depressing thought, I know, but economists are right about that. But when you think about that, you can also think about the things that really mean something. If in the long run you’re going to be dead anyway, what are the things that are really, truly important? Winning some silly skit competition? No. Being the best? No. It’s not. I haven’t fully figured out everything that’s important, but I know that 1889 is not on that list.

It was fun while it lasted, but it’s always going to leave a sour taste in my mouth. I can’t enjoy or appreciate the experience knowing that it could have been so much better. The true spirit behind it is gone. I wasn’t at Converse in the 60s or 70s, so I don’t know how it’s been in the past. But I don’t think it’s anything like it used to be. It’s definitely not fun anymore. And it’s not worthwhile. The coin war, canned food drive, and blood drive certainly do their part to help out, but it’s not done in the right spirit. I’ve always been taught to be humble about your giving. It doesn’t do any good to give your money or time and then shout and parade it about. That’s not in the true spirit of giving. I think I’ve lost that perspective recently. College has forced me to become very self-centered; after all, no one else here is looking out for me. I’ve got to be my number one advocate. But it just bothers me that all this giving isn’t done with the right intentions. It’s about winning and not so much about service anymore. I’m sure there are tons of people here who would heatedly disagree with me, but actions speak louder than words. I see what goes on.

I thought for a long time that I would like to go into student affairs. Now I see that there’s no way I can do that. I cannot possibly get to be that selfish anymore. I really do want to help people – and those who truly need it, too. There are plenty of college students out there that really do need some kind of support, for depression or eating disorders or other kinds of problems that they can’t deal with alone. But hopefully they’ll be all right. I’m just not supposed to be there for them. I’m supposed to be there for the ones that absolutely have nowhere else to go. Colleges will always have resources. I just can’t bring myself to plan social programming or something like that for a college. I thought for a while it might be fun, and that I would be good at it. But I can’t. In a way, I think it’s too selfish. I’m not enough into other people’s business to really thrive in that position. I have to do something more, something better. That occupation requires a lot of work, but in the end, it doesn’t matter. It’s not the end of the world if it has to phase out.

Very often, I think people believe they are entitled to things that they really might not deserve. I’ve had a lucky, blessed life so far, but I don’t deserve everything – probably not even half of what I get. Things aren’t always fair, but they do work themselves out in the end. No one is entitled to anything – except, I believe, help.

My posts have gotten more emo lately, I feel like. I’m at this point in my life where I really don’t care about how it was before SADAC. It was so much fun and less stressful, and I do miss that. But I finally feel like everything is coming together. I don’t know where my life will take me, but I know it’s heading in the right direction. I’m getting to where I need to be. It’s been very difficult the past few months. I work a lot, study a lot, and hardly ever see my friends or just hang out. I spend most of my time alone or in class, not around other people. I’ve had a lot of time to myself to just think. Part of me would love to go back to a few years ago, and be more fun. But another part wants to see where this new Laura goes. I can’t go back, so I must go forward; I don’t really have a choice. It’s growth, I guess.

All I know for sure is, I’m tired of doing the silly things. From now on, I have to do what truly matters.