9 Jul

I’ve been going through my old xanga posts, deleting them in preparation for deleting it altogether. It’s weird to look at my writing from the last three years of my life. So much has changed since my high school years. I can tell that I’ve matured a lot, as well. At least as far as my blogging style. I guess I’ve got more important things to say now. OK, that’s probably not true, but at least I feel more articulate now. Which is probably a good thing, considering that some of that stuff is from almost 4 years ago. It’s time to get rid of all of that.

In a way, it’s sort of like erasing a part of my past, to get rid of those old posts. I still have those memories, of course. But it still somehow feels like closure, in a way. There are a lot of old posts about my ex-boyfriend on there, which aren’t as difficult to read anymore. We broke up a long time ago–I think around two and a half years now–but for the longest time it was difficult to think about him or talk about him. He was my first love, which I don’t think you ever fully get over. It’s not hard anymore, though, and I think it’s good to delete all that from my life. I never read that stuff about him these days, so I don’t mind deleting it.

I’m not sure how much sense that made. Maybe only to me. It was weird…..hard to explain, I guess. I forgot that he used to have the password to my old blog, and would lave me random posts, just to say hey or to remind me that he cared. As much as he hurt me, I really miss having him around. I put up with a lot of crap from him, and was really patient when he was a jerk sometimes, but he was a good boyfriend. I think he put up with a lot from me. I was probably depressed my senior year, with a mixture of feelings of things ending and things beginning. I know I was difficult, and he put up with it. Did he love me? I guess.

If I wasn’t depressed senior year, then perhaps I was bipolar. All these old posts are so angsty, which I guess you could expect from a high school kid. And really, when I see all the random stuff I got away with, I’m really surprised I did as well in school as I did. I should have failed everything that last year, because I was so highly unmotivated to do anything. I constantly put off doing any homework, I worked at Cootie Brown’s all the time, and I quit piano lessons because I never practiced. I did, however, spend a lot of time with Baird and Amanda and my other friends, as well as watching movies. I definitely spent way too much time blogging. It was pretty much every day, when I should have been doing more productive things. At least I’m getting a good laugh about it now. I just wish that I had been in a better mood that whole time. I guess hindsight really is 20/20. And I do remember having fun in high school, but you wouldn’t know it from reading all this stupid stuff I wrote. I was so emo. I’m glad to be out of that phase of my life. I guess that comes with growing up. It sure is different being 18 and being 21. There are a lot of things about senior year I regret, though. I feel like I missed out on a lot of great things because I wasn’t happy.

It’s still sort of funny to read all that old stuff. I just have to shake my head and chuckle a little bit at my high-school self. How I ever thought some of that stuff was worth writing online, I’ll never know. I need to quit writing just for the sake of writing. I vow to write more important things from now on. Hope I don’t fail.


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